I finally got a job…okay I finally got an office job and for those who know me, you know office air to me is like garlic bread to a vampire.
For those who do not know me, click here to find out my stand on organizations. I am risking a lot by writing this post in case my boss reads it and goes something like “OMG!!! I hired a psycho!!!” Then he’d call me to the office and I’d be like, “Hi sir, you called?” “So Ras…? ” “Ah, sir?” “You think you are very funny don’t you?” “Sir?” “You think it is hilarious to call your boss a vampire?!” “I think vampires are funny sir. The accent and the hickies...” Of course I’d be standing near the door just in case he turns into a vampire or he fires me; the former is more likely to happen.
Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against my boss and definitely nothing against vampires except for the part where they would be capable of sucking the life out of me and eating me alive as I scream in horror coz…you know, torn limbs aren’t fun. The thing that gets to me is the fact that I think I might be in the same building as a vampire boss. Okay most of you are new to this so I will educate you: a vampire is basically a dead body that comes to life, but is still dead and has no other desire than to turn you into a juice box or at least bite you and turn you into a vampire. A vampire boss is like the commander of vampire armies and is usually either an extremely old and ugly naked man or an extremely hot chick who eventually turns into an ugly-as-heck monster bent on well, killing you. If a vampire boss were to have a baby with a human, the baby would grow to be a black man with a shady early 90s hair cut who carries a sword, unnecessary amount of guns and kicks major vampire butt which explodes into a glittery haze of fireworks and smoke - and of course the blood curling screams (I hope that's the right curling [break] oh, its blood curdling scream...thank you google). You are welcome Wesley Snipes.
Of course I'd rather a vampire boss and his army than their evil compadres... the Zombies [insert horror sound effect] (I really should start a video blog...) my encounter with a zombie army here)
Having said that, that here being a load of totally life saving information on vampires, this month has been all about building the nation and all that crap. Gasp! he said crap...yes I did; this is why. Being the patriot I am, there is nothing I'd rather see than this lovely country of mine rising to a world domination status; and for that to happen, we have to work. This means that for some time, my dream of living on an unlimited supply of internet and crisps had to be paused and I had to [pause for effect] get a job [THE HORROR!!!!] While I have no problem getting a job (...at NASA), the waking up early would definitely be a problem and so to make sure I it was easier for me, I made sure I would put on every light in the house, play the music at an unnecessarily high volume, bang doors, then start saying a speech on the importance of getting up early to build the nation, all in an attempt to make my house mate feel guilty for sleeping on the nation instead of building it!
So after a frustrated ritual involving water and clothing, I head out to work and confirm what people always say and I had never had the chance to experience this - urban legend ... IT IS COLD IN THE MORNING! Don't judge me, my mornings used to start at 15 minutes to noon. That's where the term 'Good Morning' came from, otherwise it's just a morning, cold morning or a blank serial killer face that shows the world that you really do not need any crap this early in the day. So after beating the traffic, which in itself is a totally phenomenal experience, I finally get to the office.
Day one is not all that bad, at least I have some space to work, think and well, at least I can see the sky…literally; there is a window in front of me. Two problems: first, I hate Lil Wayne. Yesterday, I did not care for his music but the first day in the office and all my colleague has been playing the whole morning is his music now I want to talk in retarded slow speech, opening my mouth all funny so that people can see the bleeth (that’s what I call bling on teeth…sounds dumb right? So does bling on teeth).
No offence, I just think you have a problem if Lil Wayne is your favorite artist. Oh look Nicki Minaj and Drake are up next… “Just a moment, I’m almost done with Mr. Wayne.”
Come to think of it, Lil Wayne’s slurry, groan-like voice, his not so appealing looks and the way he tilts his head from side to side as he ‘raps’, wait…I was talking about zombies right? no? oh vampires and this job.... So waking up early, beating traffic that I insist someone needs to make a movie on, I subtly blend into the next problem, I have to be in the office by 7 am everyday. Did I say that right? Okay, I’ll say it again… I HAVE TO BE IN THE OFFICE AT FOLOFOLLING 7!!!! Well what do you know, I invented a word and spell check didn’t correct me: folofolling: (adj) a word to describe a situation or feeling that you can’t quite explain and since you do not want to use offensive vulgar words, folofolling makes perfect sense e.g. I was folofolling scared when my cat said hallo, instead of the usual miaow!) You are welcome.
Okay the second, third and fourth time spell check made a part of me die by drawing the red wavy line of grammatical doom under my new favorite word…I must admit it’s folofolling annoying! Folofol! They did it again!
I get carried away…my apologies.
So a new job and new experiences, I still think my boss is a vampire…I don’t know why but I do; may be it's the big dark extremely carpeted office that reminds me of...a giant (for discretion puposes i will say) box that is placed in the sand in times of great sadness. Lil Wayne… SHUT UP OR I’LL MAKE YOU! My colleague just noticed I’m staring at his desk”
Me: so, you really like Lil Wayne…
Him: Ya, he’s cool…
Me: he’s dumb and you listen to dumb music…
Me: I said, damn that’s some good damn music…
Him: I know right?
Me: shut the folofol up!
BONUS (For making you wait this long and just because I love you guys...)
The reason why I did not post this blog earlier was because the internet provider I use (due to legal reasons we shall call them 'YOU' not you as in you the person but YOU, yes that YOU) is slower than a snail drawn cart or our judicial process...whichever comes first (pun definately intended). So numerous attempts to post the blog were thwarted by a still progress bar that never moved until I was politely informed that my session had been timed out. So in the spirit of timing out things, I took some time out and made this lovely ad for YOU and you.