Finally Got A Job (and with Lil Wayne)

I finally got a job…okay I finally got an office job and for those who know me, you know office air to me is like garlic bread to a vampire.

For those who do not know me, click here to find out my stand on organizations. I am risking a lot by writing this post in case my boss reads it and goes something like “OMG!!! I hired a psycho!!!” Then he’d call me to the office and I’d be like, “Hi sir, you called?” “So Ras…? ” “Ah, sir?” “You think you are very funny don’t you?” “Sir?” “You think it is hilarious to call your boss a vampire?!” “I think vampires are funny sir. The accent and the hickies...” Of course I’d be standing near the door just in case he turns into a vampire or he fires me; the former is more likely to happen.

Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against my boss and definitely nothing against vampires except for the part where they would be capable of sucking the life out of me and eating me alive as I scream in horror coz…you know, torn limbs aren’t fun. The thing that gets to me is the fact that I think I might be in the same building as a vampire boss. Okay most of you are new to this so I will educate you: a vampire is basically a dead body that comes to life, but is still dead and has no other desire than to turn you into a juice box or at least bite you and turn you into a vampire. A vampire boss is like the commander of vampire armies and is usually either an extremely old and ugly naked man or an extremely hot chick who eventually turns into an ugly-as-heck monster bent on well, killing you. If a vampire boss were to have a baby with a human, the baby would grow to be a black man with a shady early 90s hair cut who carries a sword, unnecessary amount of guns and kicks major vampire butt which explodes into a glittery haze of fireworks and smoke - and of course the blood curling screams (I hope that's the right curling [break] oh, its blood curdling scream...thank you google). You are welcome Wesley Snipes.

Of course I'd rather a vampire boss and his army than their evil compadres... the Zombies [insert horror sound effect] (I really should start a video blog...) my encounter with a zombie army here)

Having said that, that here being a load of totally life saving information on vampires, this month has been all about building the nation and all that crap. Gasp! he said crap...yes I did; this is why. Being the patriot I am, there is nothing I'd rather see than this lovely country of mine rising to a world domination status; and for that to happen, we have to work. This means that for some time, my dream of living on an unlimited supply of internet and crisps had to be paused and I had to [pause for effect] get a job [THE HORROR!!!!] While I have no problem getting a job (...at NASA), the waking up early would definitely be a problem and so to make sure I it was easier for me, I made sure I would put on every light in the house, play the music at an unnecessarily high volume, bang doors, then start saying a speech on the importance of getting up early to build the nation, all in an attempt to make my house mate feel guilty for sleeping on the nation instead of building it! 

So after a frustrated ritual involving water and clothing, I head out to work and confirm what people always say and I had never had the chance to experience this - urban legend ... IT IS COLD IN THE MORNING! Don't judge me, my mornings used to start at 15 minutes to noon. That's where the term 'Good Morning' came from, otherwise it's just a morning, cold morning or a blank serial killer face that shows the world that you really do not need any crap this early in the day. So after beating the traffic, which in itself is a totally phenomenal experience, I finally get to the office.

Day one is not all that bad, at least I have some space to work, think and well, at least I can see the sky…literally; there is a window in front of me. Two problems: first, I hate Lil Wayne. Yesterday, I did not care for his music but the first day in the office and all my colleague has been playing the whole morning is his music now I want to talk in retarded slow speech, opening my mouth all funny so that people can see the bleeth (that’s what I call bling on teeth…sounds dumb right? So does bling on teeth).

No offence, I just think you have a problem if Lil Wayne is your favorite artist. Oh look Nicki Minaj and Drake are up next… “Just a moment, I’m almost done with Mr. Wayne.”

Come to think of it, Lil Wayne’s slurry, groan-like voice, his not so appealing looks and the way he tilts his head from side to side as he ‘raps’, wait…I was talking about zombies right? no? oh vampires and this job....  So waking up early, beating traffic that I insist someone needs to make a movie on, I subtly blend into the next problem, I have to be in the office by 7 am everyday. Did I say that right? Okay, I’ll say it again… I HAVE TO BE IN THE OFFICE AT FOLOFOLLING 7!!!! Well what do you know, I invented a word and spell check didn’t correct me: folofolling: (adj) a word to describe a situation or feeling that you can’t quite explain and since you do not want to use offensive vulgar words, folofolling makes perfect sense e.g. I was folofolling scared when my cat said hallo, instead of the usual miaow!) You are welcome.

Okay the second, third and fourth time spell check made a part of me die by drawing the red wavy line of grammatical doom under my new favorite word…I must admit it’s folofolling annoying! Folofol! They did it again!

I get carried away…my apologies.

So a new job and new experiences, I still think my boss is a vampire…I don’t know why but I do; may be it's the big dark extremely carpeted office that reminds me of...a giant (for discretion puposes i will say) box that is placed in the sand in times of great sadness. Lil Wayne… SHUT UP OR I’LL MAKE YOU! My colleague just noticed I’m staring at his desk”

Me: so, you really like Lil Wayne…

Him: Ya, he’s cool…

Me: he’s dumb and you listen to dumb music…

Him: what?

Me: I said, damn that’s some good damn music…

Him: I know right?

Me: shut the folofol up! 

BONUS (For making you wait this long and just because I love you guys...)

The reason why I did not post this blog earlier was because the internet provider I use (due to legal reasons we shall call them 'YOU' not you as in you the person but YOU, yes that YOU) is slower than a snail drawn cart or our judicial process...whichever comes first (pun definately intended). So numerous attempts to post the blog were thwarted by a still progress bar that never moved until I was politely informed that my session had been timed out. So in the spirit of timing out things, I took some time out and made this lovely ad for YOU and you.

Not Really A Happy New Year...

The new year is finally here! I have to say I am partly glad. One reason would be because I think I have a chronic case of ADD, yes the one that affects your attention span and so normally I would just get bored and look for something else a bit more exciting...or just something else.

The reason I say partly glad is because I now have, hopefully, another whole year to keep this blog running and this of course means I have to explain to people for a whole year, what this blog is all about. It feels like it has been a million years since I started this blog and I still do not know what it is about. A normal conversation would go something like: "So, what do you do?" I never underestimate the power of this question because I finally get a chance to impress the world with my awesomeness and to share with this foolish mere mortal my destiny which involves saving the world from Evil (no specific form of evil...just evil) using my amazing use of diction and semantics. Just before I throw in a lot of hot air about the use of linguistical warfare in attacking the dialectical issue that fuels tribalism and other ills, they go ahead to ask, "What exactly do write about?"

At this point I am slightly irritated by the interruption and the blatant lack of interest in what I do. I did not even get the chance to talk about language and zombies and dinosaurs and voices and robots and skates! No matter how many times this question is asked, I still have not yet come up with a definite answer and so I always try and use the simplest explanation: "It's about humor" I say, and then they give out a skeptical "Really?" And then am like, "Really." "What kind of humor?" "Well, it's hard to explain, because it involves monsters, and craziness, and awesomeness. Am also thinking of adding vampires and werewolves."This of course is what comes out of my mouth; what is in my head is totally different, but true...:

By this time the person am talking to is looking at me like I am something that dropped off a spaceship, landed on a highway and ended up as road kill. I can't exactly tell if the look on his face is from something he ate, or he is either disgusted by me, or not buying the nonsense I am selling. Just to be safe, I suggest to him that he reads the blog so that he can make an informed decision. Just as I start telling him the web address, he arrogantly declares: "Oh, I've read the blog." "WHAT THE...!!! WHY THE...!!! WAS THIS REALLY NECESSARY??!!!!! YOU STUPID IGNORANT ARROGANT GOOD FOR NOTHING HIGH HORSE PIECE OF GOOD FOR NOTHING...AHHH...AHHH...YARN!" I have to admit I am so mad that the worst insult that comes to me is yarn. All this of course happens in my head and all I can say is, "Oh." "So what do you think about it, you like it?" I ask, "Ahh I don't get the humor...." There is no other way to express what happens after he says this and so I will put it this way: MY FREAKING WORLD FALLS APART AND MY HEART FEELS LIKE I INJECTED PIECES OF BROKEN GLASS INTO MY BLOOD SYSTEM AND NOW THEY ARE LODGED IN MY HEART AND I AM NOW GOING TO DIE FROM DISAPPOINTMENT AND HEART BREAK; I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY!!!

I don't realize that for the last few minutes my right eye brow has been violently twitching and I am starting to show the symptoms of a rabid raccoon. I slowly move back just in case my body involuntarily jumps on him and I end up biting off his eye balls and pee on him as he rolls on the ground in pain. I start sweating when he says, "The pictures are cute, but it's lol funny not ha ha funny." I am too angry to ponder on the difference between 'lol funny' and 'ha ha funny'. It is now clear I am behaving weirdly. My body is shaking, my eye brow is twitching, what is left is for me to start foaming from the mouth. As if this is not enough, he asks, "And why don't people comment on the posts?" That's it. I have had enough of this freaking nonsense.

Me: I WILL KILL YOU!
Him: What?
Me: WITH AN ARMY OF WEREWOLVES AND A BLUNT OBJECT!
Him: What?
Me: PREFERABLY A BUTTER KNIFE!
Him: What the heck are you talking about?!
Me: Nothing.

At this point its better off if I just walk away and let him see me for the freak I am. May be he'll read the blog and see what him and many others put me through...and then may be he'll get it!

So this being a new year, I have decided no more explaining what this blog is about; it is safer if you just read it yourself.

How I Learnt To Skate

 

Every time I set out to write a new post, it always turns out to be as much fun as startling a porcupine. 

Trying to write something becomes almost impossible since the pressure to write something better gets to me leaving me an emotional wreck fighting a possible case of low self esteem and hopelessness. To add to this cesspool of low self esteem induced writer’s block, I usually have to fight certain influences in my life that if left unchecked would ruin my life as I know it. Being the self proclaimed writer I am, I prefer writing letters to these influences, hoping that in some way I will maintain control over my already twisted life. I have to admit, some of these letters are a bit unnecessary. 

Others are a bit weird.

And others are, well, necessary.

So to make sure that I find something to write, I have been forced to seek alternative forms of inspiration (something that doesn’t involve sniffing glue). This time I was however, lucky. It seems inspiration was bored and decided to look for something interesting and found me (yes, I am cool like that).

I had decided to go visit a friend and talk about…well, nothing just talk and somewhere between awkward silence and habitual clock checking, my friend’s small sister, as if noticing my state of despair asked me a question that would forever change my life, dreams and aspirations. While I prefer to hide behind my pen and write about (read make fun of) what other people do, the excitement got the best of me and I found myself doing something I wouldn’t imagine myself doing even if Jessica Alba walked out of the ocean in her blue bikini and whispered in my ear (that was weirdly specific), did I say Jessica Alba? I meant girlfriend.

Anyway, my friend’s sister comes to me and asks, “You want to go outside and skate?” “Skate? Did she just say skate? As in S.K.A.T.E. skate?” I was so excited that I forgot the fact that I had never touched a pair of skates in my life, let alone skate. It was just like Jessica Alba had walked out of the ocean in her blue bikini, held me by the hand and asked me to play Call of Duty on PlayStation 3 with her (Do not make that face, the only thing better than  Jessica Alba is Jessica Alba playing video games with me)…again, I meant girlfriend.

At this point I was falling into a bottomless pit of childlike excitement. In less than 45 seconds I had pictured myself in the Olympics, beating all the racers, forget the fact that they had skated professionally probably since they were toddlers while I had skated  for months (at least in my head I had) winning medals and becoming the greatest skater of all time.

A few moments later I was brought back to earth by an eleven year old girl who could not understand why this adult was behaving like a monkey on steroids at the sight of skates. After putting on her skates, she helped me put mine on amid my unnecessary attempts to “help”. I think one of the reasons why skates excited me so much was because the looked like Robocop’s boots, and touching the robot cop’s shoes was like touching an angel’s wings. She then helped me get on my feet and this is where my dreams came crashing down into a million shards of disappointment forming a loathing for skating and all things on wheels. For the first several minutes I could not move. I looked like a dinosaur giving piggy back rides.

“Form a ‘V’ with your feet and walk towards me.” She said. “How about I take this evil contraptions off and walk away from you?!” “What?” she asks, “nothing” I say as I try and walk towards her like a duck at a Texas show down. All of a sudden I can’t move since my brain is clogged with rumblings coming from my mouth, which I think were prayers. It finally hits me; the only thing between me and death is 6 tiny wheels. “I am going to die!” “I am going to die!”  “I am going to die!” the constant recital of the fact that I think I am going to die increasingly frustrates my pre-teen tutor. “Shut up and walk towards me!!!” she says, her voice sounding like a demon possessed can opener.

By the time she's frustrated I've moved from being bald to an afro

Okay, one leg at a time, just like walking and…I was walking!!! “You see, you can skate.” She says as she glides around me like a freaking dandelion in the freaking wind. 

“Soon you’ll be skating like me…” No, soon you’ll be standing next to my hospital bed with doctors debating on how to put a cast on my broken butt!

A few tries later and I’m almost skating. My tutor looks pleased but I am pretty sure there’s a difference between skating and removing gum from the soles of my shoes. A few minutes later another friend comes and I am more than glad to take off the skates. I hand them over to him. No sooner does he put them on than I start yelling… “Form a ‘V’ with your feet and walk towards me.”

Graduate of the Year Award Winner

For someone who only four years ago did not know what an anecdote was or which part of the world Cyprus is, I think I have done considerably well. Well, am sure you might have an idea of what an anecdote is, on the other hand you may belong to the category of people who will definitely fall into a slight depression after they google the word and realize it is not what they were so convinced it was - a vegetable, and then start questioning everything they know and realize that most of their life has been a series of wrong definitions and lies. By now, thanks to google, you have also confirmed that Cyprus, with a capital 'C' is a country and not a glorified tropical fruit. I however cannot blame you, I mean not everyone...knows things.

For some of us, knowing things means seeking knowledge and so about four years ago, I joined university. With all these big dreams and potential I walked the streets on campus, and just like all the great world academicians in their first year, spent a great amount of time trying to find out where the bathrooms were. I really do not understand why these very important facilities are the most hard to find, I mean...they are more important than class rooms if you ask me.

 Another great task was finding people I would call friends. After serious research and a series of interesting experiences, I realized that the term University is derived from the words 'Universe' and 'Insanity' mix the two and you have 'University'. The level of weirdness on campus is incomparable. I would not be surprised if some people were raised by wolves! It was in university that I saw for the very first time a man with straightened hair covering his eyes and blaming it on his emotions. If you ask me, the only straight thing about him was...well, his hair.

 It was also in university that I discovered the word 'culture shock', and not because it was taught in class, but out of the shock I got from what people call culture. Wearing torn clothes with scruffy hair and 'loud' jewelry is not culture, it's called being misplaced. At least that's what I thought in my first year, before I got my first pair of torn Jeans, lost my comb in my second year and became a revolutionary conscious rebel and member of the poetry club.

Only in university could you find those revolutionary poetry clubs convinced that poetry is all we need to solve all of earth's problems and that taaaalllkkkiing lllliiike thiiiiiis... sounds cool. So some torn clothes, scruffy hair, crazy talk...I mean poetry, and retardedly slow speech and a rebel was born. You see university, it's all your fault. So much for being and institution of higher learning, how about and institute for high learners! Oh ya there was some 'highness' involved....

So all that, plus the annoying room mate who has unending stories about how his day was and how the government needs to solve all the problems including his sucky day, then throw in some propaganda and senseless rhetoric about how spinning backwards long enough would turn back time and you have a relatively normal campus life. So between fighting 'the system' and skipping classes I became a mini version of Che Guevara, with the lyrical prowess of Mos Def and consciousness of Common and the wisdom of Gandhi...it is so easy to lie to yourself. Instead of all that I became the weird guy who dressed funny and wrote random words down with no grammatical structure whatsoever and called it poetry. At some point I became the unit for crazy where people would tell each other something like, "I think you are spending too much time with Ras." or "Are Okay? You seem to be pulling a Ras lately...I hope everything is Okay." Hey but at least I was popular.

Unfortunately exams do not care for popularity and so most of the times I found myself staring at the lecturer invigilating an exam, wanting to ask, "Okay, I've seen the worst that could happen, where's the real exam?" and then they'd give me the, "This is the exam" look and I would start wondering what would happen if I faked a stroke or bit off my thumb and then tell the lecturer how impossible it was to hold a pen without my thumb. So most of the time I found myself writing the lecturer a note at the bottom of the answer sheet, partly trying to fight the system by declaring how results did not determine who I was and partly kissing bum in an attempt blind the lecturer of the fact that I knew nothing.

Sadly, all great things have to come to an end.

I have been thinking of several phrases best suited for such an occasion, so after numerous attempts, this is what I came up with... I AM DONE WITH SCHOOL!!! YOU HEAR ME WORLD? DONE!!! D.O.N.E. DONE!!! Okay, I know I could have come up with a more creative string of words but you know what, I do not care. I do not care because no teacher or lecturer is going to look at my work condescendingly, dangling affirmation over my head like a sadist dangling crack cocaine in front of an addict's face. I do not care because I do not have to wake up every Monday morning trying to figure out if I had an assignment due that week or worse, an exam. Lastly, I do not care because I am a step closer to my dream of living in a room with an endless supply of potato crisps, unlimited internet and a comfy chair. Still I can't get rid of the nagging feeling that I have it all wrong.

In my head, I feel like Columbus after discovering America. I feel like a pioneer, a voyager a...enough with the corny nouns...I am freaking excited!!! I feel like a bee after some idiot stupidly shakes my hive and then is not smart enough to run away in time before I regain my composure. I feel like the world owes me an award for World's Greatest Graduate.

Even the voices in my head are excited. They are like, "dude, we should burn something" and am like "how about my old class notes?" and they reply, "We were thinking more of the part of the constitution that talks about school." and then I stop thinking before I get myself into trouble.

So,  I remain optimistic...after all, what's the worst that could happen?

The Voices in My Head: A Camping Experience

I consider myself to be quite an outdoorsy person (I made up a word and spell check didn’t correct me…score!) having climbed Mount Kenya 3 times, done Mount Longonot and camped in the wilderness, I think am, well, pretty outdoorsy (there I did it again). There are however those moments when I realize that there is a reason why electricity was invented, why wheels are an integral part of the human race and why hiking for kilometres with the weight of an American 13 year old Playstation addict who has a soft spot for bacon on my back is not a really good idea.

At times I am thus required to sermon my super human powers, then get more frustrated when I realize I have none. This is the point where every outdoorsy (I’m loving this word) person has to experience, the point when you come face to face with your worst enemy. Now in the wild, your enemy could be a simple 3 horned chameleon which the worst it could do would be freak you out so bad that…well I’ll leave that to the imagination. Your enemy could be anything with wings, teeth bigger than your fingers, horns and fur. Yes fur, they may look cute but they are not. The enemy here however, does not have wings (unless you are a fairy), does not have big teeth, horns or hooves (this of course is situational because some people are just one sip of blood away from growing all of these).

The enemy here is that voice that tells you what to do. The voice that stops you from doing some things, the voice that asks things like, “If I shave off my left eye-brow, will I become a mono-brow or a right-brow?” The voice that tells you to look at the weird thing growing on the back of the neck of the guy standing in front of you in the elevator, no matter how hard you try not to; or the voice that tells you that your new born niece is not as cute as the mother thinks and she probably will grow to look a bit funny (read strange).

Last weekend a bunch (56 to be exact) of friends set out for a camping expedition to the Hell's Gate National Park in Naivasha. Apart from that one time we stopped over at a gas station to buy food, the trip was characterized by my incessant banging on the window by my head, before I realized that sleeping in a fast moving vehicle on our poor roads was, in the best words, dumb. We arrived at camp at some minutes to 6 in the evening and so the first thing that needed to be done was set up camp. Now, when you are 56 and only 6 of you know how to pitch tents the scenario is not what you would call enjoyable; but when 4 out of the 6 are busy entertaining the newbies with stories of past expeditions and experiences, you kind of get the urge to kill something.

So some minutes till dark and half of the tents have not yet been put up. Forty minutes after dark, we realize that some tents are missing pegs. For those of you who are new to this, the peg is what holds the tent down to prevent it from turning into a hot air balloon in the middle of a stormy night. Everything else goes well, the food, the company, the fire, the tents (none of them flew off into the night) and the breakfast. We even had sun-warmed showers. The tables turned about 45 minutes after breakfast when we started setting down camp to prepare for the 10 kilometre hike to the second camp site. So far, so good.

All my outdoor experiences have been defined by the back pack I have with me and so normally I would attach my tent, sleeping bag and mat on the back pack and hike on...not today! Today, people carried school bags, duffel bags and some even carried shopping bags! Where the heck did they think they were going...for a sleep over then ice cream?! All the while the voices in my head have been doing their voice practice, minding their business as I mind mine...until one voice notices something wrong and ask, "What the...?"

Realizing what is bound to happen, I'm like, "Okay voices, relax, it's going to be fine." The voices go, "Okay, so where was I yaa...if I cut off a duck's foot....wait!!! Why on earth do those chicks look like they are going for shopping? Ras kill something now!" I'm now a deer staring at the hunter's barrel (couldn't find another metaphor) "Ah, why don't we see what we can do, may be I could attach an extra tent to by back pack..." Almost immediately, the voice turns beast like, like the bass part of an all dinosaur acapella group, "Shut up, get frustrated...you do not need this." At that moment one of the girls comes to me and asks if I'll help her carry her purple hand bag. "Do you mind carrying my bag for me?" "Mind if I kill you and stuff you in the bag?!"

Ooops! I cover my mouth with both hands and she asks, "What?" I whisper, "Nothing" as I briskly walk away saving myself from a lot of judgement and probably pepper spray.

I hate Organizations

My organizational strategies class seems to have created in me a loathing for organizations. Before the class, this was my career aspiration: Become famous and possibly rich through this blog, and the many I will have created since my life will revolve around eating potato crisps, the internet and not leaving my house. I couldn't picture myself handling various responsibilities since responsibilities are life's way of telling you, "Hey! I have another side, a side that you'll probably hate...." I couldn't see myself handling a 9 to 5 job, waking up early each day, wearing a tie and hating Mondays. Now because of this stupid class, I have affirmed this. I hate organizations, I hate the corporate slave ship and I hate all the people who made everyone else hate Mondays!

Knowing that life does not usually end up the way we want, I have prepared myself psychologically for the kind of organization I would work in. This would be a normal day at work for me....

I would gently tap the snooze button on my alarm clock since I'll love waking up at 4 in the afternoon. A quick shower then straight to the closet. Black suit, white shirt, blood red tie, gator boots and holster check! Oh wait! Sun glasses, check! I would then run down stairs and find my partner impatiently waiting. The drive away from the city would be refreshing as I sip on some Red Bull (the breakfast of champions) and meditate on today's projects. My partner would slow down as we approach the gate making time for us to show the friendly guy holding the AK-47 our ID cards. We'd park right under the huge AREA 51 sign, it shields the car from the sun.

The doors would slide open with a swoosh after flashing our cards to reveal a large warehouse-looking building with hightech gadgets and people in suits walking around purposefully. We would walk towards our station past the aliens in the huge liquid filled incubators and then just as we approach our desks, I remember the practical joke my partner pulled last time and I see this as an opprtunity to hit back. So I push him violently and shout, "He's got a gun!!!!" and watch as everyone, me included take our guns from our holsters and point at his direction.

The chances of that happening are however not as promising as I would like and so I have to prepare myself for the alternative.

After waking up at 5 in the morning so that I can beat traffic and get to the office before my boss does, I get to the office 25 minutes after the mail guy who is always 30 minutes late. I discover that I forgot my tie and that is probably why my boss is giving me this weird cold look like I'm the one who told his wife about him and his last secretary at the office party last december. I would then walk to the coffee maker frustrated, since the space bar on my computer keyboard is broken and so icannottypemyreportlikethis, only to find the coffee maker broken and so I have to wait until lunch since they forgot to bring tea bags. I try to get some work done, but the IT guy can't fix my computer because last week I got frustrated and 'accidentally' stapled a stack of papers on his forehead. And so like a zombie I would drag myself back to my desk and wait until it's time to go home...and probably kill something.

Therefore, to prevent any life altering disappointment, I have decided that the only organization I would work for is one that would hire me as a kick ass undercover agent.

Otherwise I'll settle for my house, a pantry full of potato crisps, unlimited internet and a bunch of followers bent on seeing that I become famous.

Anything else can eat a bag full of smelly socks!

Freaking Army of Korean Zombies

I always thought zombies were fun creatures. Why on earth would you be scared of a zombie, not unless you were asleep and one creeps up on you. You only need to shoot or hit one in the head or, run away or walk briskly either way the stupid creatures would only catch you if for some weird reason you wanted to be caught. That however changed. I can now say that the only thing that freaks me out more than a zombie, is a spider and that's because zombies do not have eight legs!

My school shares an exchange program with a Korean university (I feel the need to state that it's the other Korea the one in the South) , so every year a group of Koreans spend a semester in Kenya while, sadly a bunch of Kenyans, for no apparent reason go to a country where there names will not be pronounced right, the food probably at some point wore a leash (most ignorant joke I have said this year...I promise) and Korean is the first language. While I have no problem with learning a second language, Korean isn't exactly at the top of my list. Anyway, this gives us the chance to share our cultural experiences and apparently learn something out of it.

I therefore developed a liking for Koreans. They were cool, they dressed like they own Mr. Price, and they had a surprisingly good taste in music. I still am not sure how Ehud, my Korean buddy listened to Common and Lauryn Hill. I'm beginning to sound like the American idiots who ask us how we live on trees and whether Kibaki is a member of the Mungiki; but there is a point to all this...I hope. So for some time I enjoyed Korean company, even their food; until I signed up for the International Youth Fellowship (IYF) 2008.

The IYF is an annual youth camp that runs for a whole week. Oh, and it is organized and facilitated by Koreans. So on seeing the poster I was somewhere between excited and confused. "So many Koreans! It's going to be just like a star wars meets Lord of the Rings meets Common and Lauryn Hill convention. I was convinced that this was going to be the event of the year...probably even the decade. The problem is at that particular time, I had malaria.

I usually don't get sick a lot but when I do, the disease makes me feel like a giant cyclops beast swallowed me, then threw me up then chewed me again, then shared me with his dragon friend who saw it a good idea to breath fire all over me.... So while I was fantasizing about how much fun the Korean event would be, the cyclops and the dragon were not yet done with me and so sadly, I wouldn't attend. At least I thought so.

One of my friends, now near the bottom of my best friends in the whole wide world list, and still waiting for me to accept their Facebook friend request, signed me up for the camp. As if that wasn't enough, he signed me up as: (Before we go any further, in this particular blog I will reveal my identity, then I will erase your memory at the end) Kefa Kariuki Peter. Kefa, is Amharic for Peter and so for obvious reasons having Peter and Kefa in the same name is redundant AND ANNOYING to say the least.

Just in case you didn't believe me!

So I got a call a few days later (the dragon was still playing his part) cheerfully reminding me that the camp was starting in a couple of days. My attempts to cancel didn't bear fruit when I was told that money was spent on registering me and that I had to go.

I managed to get there with a fever, cough, running nose and slur. I guess they are used to weird flus (ahem...swine flu...ahem...bird flu) because none of them seemed to care. "Kepa. Kepa! KEPA!!! KEPA KARIUKI PETER" "Crap! That's me. That's me? That's me!" Kepa? as if Peter was not bad enough. Then all of a sudden, with the cyclops spitting me out and the dragon spitting fire at me, I started sweating profusely. Nobody believes me when I give this story and this is why:

All of a sudden, all the Koreans turned pale and their eyes blood shot. Before I realized it was an army of Korean zombies it was too late. They were all over the place. "Kepa! Kepa! Kepa!" They kept repeating that as they came towards me. I tried to mumble a few words, "It's Kefa...It's Kefa!" "Stop calling me..." I remembered my first rule about zombies: hit them in the head; I did not have any weapon. Rule number 2, RUN! So I was wrong, this zombies could run!

They caught up with me eventually (you can't run far with a boiling point fever) then next thing I knew, I was surrounded by some Koreans and my freaked out friends.

The doctor said I was hallucinating because of the fever...yeah right!

**UPDATE**
Since I revealed my identity, I sadly have to erase your memory. All you need to do is stare at the image for 10 seconds thinking about unicorns or any mythical creature of your choice and then blink 15 times.